Are you still trying to prove you're worthy?

Is breaking free from your “good girl” beliefs wearing you out? Just when you think you’ve cleared one out, do you trip over another ridiculous expectation hiding in your subconscious? Are you starting to doubt you’ll ever feel worthy of love and belonging just as you are?

“Many of us have social, cultural, and familial rules foisted on us from an early age as though they are ladders we must ascend to improve our status,” explained Sonya Renée Taylor, poet, social theorist, and author of The Body Is Not an Apology, when we spoke with her on the podcast. “The premise is that only those of us who reach the top rungs are worthy.”

For example, the ladder of bodily hierarchy for women requires us to be small, pretty, and white to be wanted. The ladder of capitalism requires us to amass as much money as possible to be happy. And the “good girl” ladder requires us to perform perfectly, please everyone, and protect others to be loved.

But Sonya points out that no one ever believes they have reached the top of these socially constructed ladders. Elon Musk is the world’s richest man, and he’s still trying to amass more. Why? Because these ladders are illusions. They’re made up.

“These ladders sit on the faulty premise that there is something you have to do to be loveable and worthy,” shared Sonya. “But you cannot be separated from love. You cannot be separated from worthiness. Just like the sun, the moon, and the stars, we are many expressions of one source that provides life, vitality, radiance, and belongingness. This is the truth of our existence.”

If these ladders sit on such a faulty premise, why do they feel so real? Sonya says it’s because enough of us keep playing by their rules. Part of reclaiming our belonging is seeing the belief that love must be earned hurts everyone lower down the ladder, as well as us.

“Choosing to divest day by day and choice by choice from these social rules liberates not only ourselves but others as well,” explained Sonya.

You might start with a few small experiments:

• Notice. Which ladder are you climbing right now? Productivity, appearance, wealth, being the “good girl”?

• Question. Whose expectations are you trying to meet? And who benefits if you keep climbing? What is the climb costing you?

• Step off. Try one small act of stepping off that ladder this week. Leave an email until morning or say no without a long explanation.

• Rest. Sit outside for ten minutes with nothing to achieve. Notice what happens (and what doesn’t).

If you knew you were inherently worthy and lovable, how would you start relating to the world around you?

For more on Sonya’s ladder of bodily hierarchy, radical rest, and reclaiming our belonging, listen to the podcast episode below.

To learn more about Sonya’s work, visit sonyareneetaylor.com, and grab a copy of her book, The Body Is Not an Apology.