Who's Looking After You?

By Chelle McQuaid 

“I’m just so tired of looking after everyone else,” said the smart, capable, kind woman sitting across from me, tears filling her eyes. “Who is looking after me?” 

I responded as I have on the many occasions women have asked me this question during a coaching conversation: “What if you’re the person you’ve been waiting for?” 

For most of us this is not a comfortable invitation. 

When I had to confront this for myself, I remember being furious. On top of everything else, now I was expected to show up for myself. Who has the energy for that? 

I longed to have someone in my world for whom my wellbeing was a priority. But while I had a life full of well-meaning people at work, at home, and in my community – maddeningly none were able to consistently intuit what I needed and get on with doing it well. 

I had a long list of heart-breaking disappointments and genuine grievances when it came to how other people cared for me. From Mother’s Day mornings that felt more like unwilling obligations than appreciation, to exciting work collaborations where I was later left to do all the heavy lifting alone. 

What I didn’t have was responsibility for how I was looking after myself. 

If I wasn’t willing to ask clearly and cleanly for what I needed from others. If I was unable to accept what was respectfully offered. If I refused to set healthy boundaries where I needed them. If I couldn’t show up to care for myself, how could I expect anyone else to do so? 

“I don’t know how to do that,” said the smart, capable, kind woman sitting across from me, fear filling her eyes. “I wasn’t taught those skills when I was growing up. I was taught to never put myself first.” 

This is true for so many of us. But the good news is that within each of us there remains a wiser and kinder self who is longing to take care of us. 

A self who is clear and calm about what is unfolding within us and around us. A self who is curious and creative when it comes to looking after us. A self who is compassionate and connected about how we relate to others. And a self who is confident and courageous about how we choose to show up. 

It was only when I came to trust my self-energy that I finally learned how to care for myself. 

Want to know what helped me to do it?  

In this week’s podcast with psychologist Dr Tori Olds, co-founder of Deep Eddy Psychotherapy, walks us through the science and the steps of Internal Family Systems. It is the work that has most changed my life.