Why Do We Settle For Less?

By Chelle McQuaid 

I was busy telling my coach the latest variation of a story I'd told her a hundred times before. The one where he let me down again. Where she never really showed up. Where I did everything right and no one appreciated it. 

"When are you going to stop settling for bottom of the barrel loving?" my coach asked. 

I sat there completely stumped, the heat of shame rising up my neck. Up until that moment, I hadn't even noticed I was settling.  

I soon saw that she was right. You see, after a challenging childhood, I desperately needed other people to help me feel safe enough.  

I ran around taking care of everything and everyone, making sure I was so needed that no one would ever want to abandon me again. I rarely ever asked anyone for anything, just in case they decided I was too high-maintenance to put up with.  

The result was a frighteningly capable, overly generous, highly independent, very busy woman who was hard to feel close to. And in the process, I taught people that whatever scraps of affection they left behind for me were fine. Even while the bitter aftertaste of fear, exhaustion, resentment and loneliness ate away at my insides. 

"Healthy relationships are equal, respectful, and reciprocal," my coach pointed out in our next session. 

Crap. This was not what most of my relationships looked like. 

They were not equal, because I made sure people needed me far more than I ever needed them. They were not respectful, because I would rather go without than risk being the high maintenance one. And they were not reciprocal, because I never once let anybody take care of me the way I took care of them. 

Every one of those was a way to ensure nobody left me – but almost every one of them required leaving myself. 

That's the part I couldn't see. How my constant fear of being hurt, of being let down, left out, or left behind, was exactly what kept me living on the dregs of love. 

So I realized that if I wanted more top of the barrel loving in my life, I needed to trust that while other people might come and go, I would stop abandoning myself. 

It turns out this is what secure attachment asks of us. That we become steady enough in ourselves to stop performing, pleasing and protecting our way through every relationship we have. 

I'm still practicing. I still catch myself sometimes accepting the scraps. But these days I notice sooner, and I can find my way back before the resentment sets in. 

This week Sue Marriott joins us for part 2 of her podcast to talk about what secure relating with yourself really involves, why insight alone was never going to rewire these old patterns, and how we learn to let love in rather than only ever handing it out. 

If any part of this resonates, I think you'll find her insights as steadying as I did.

Visit www.therapistuncensored.com for more from Sue, or grab a copy of Secure Relating: Holding Your Own in an Insecure World.