What If You Already Know How To Lead Your Self?

Who's behind the wheel of your life this morning? You, or whichever Part of you got there first? 

Over the past two years, we've found ourselves coming back to our conversations with Dr Tori Olds, a licensed psychologist and the co-founder of Deep Eddy Psychotherapy, who introduced us to a simpler way of thinking about Internal Family Systems (IFS). 

Tori helped us understand that underneath the family of Parts working overtime to keep us safe - perfectionists, people-pleasers, protectors and many more - there's a wise, capable version of us she calls Self. Accessing our Self-energy allows us to lead from that curious, compassion, clear, connected, creative, courageous, confident and calm place, rather than letting our protective Parts do it all alone. 

Two years on, there are three ideas we've found ourselves returning to again and again: 

• Self-energy is always with us. Sometimes it's taking the time to notice your breath, or it’s placing one hand on the heart and noticing the wind in the trees, or it’s remembering a moment you’ve showed up as the wisest and kindest version of yourself. It's soothing the nervous system enough for Self to be accessed.  
  

• Our Parts build trust when there's no agenda. What happens if we learn to sit beside a Part without trying to fix it, change it, or rush it? What happens if we notice it, get to know what it’s protecting and ask what it needs with love and compassion? Tori mentions nothing builds trust faster than showing up with no agenda and no timeline. We've found that to be true.  
  

• Parts evolve over time. We used to think healing meant getting rid of the Parts we didn't like. But Tori reminded us that there are no bad Parts. As our Parts learn to trust Self, they don't have to work so hard to keep us safe. For example, our perfectionist Part might still love doing things well, but become more interested in learning and growing than getting everything right. 

What have you learnt on your self-leadership journey? We'd love to hear it. 

You can hear us talk through all three of these learnings on this week's episode. For more of Tori's work, visit toriolds.com or find her on YouTube. 

If you're doing this work alongside a history of trauma, we'd gently suggest having a trained therapist or coach alongside you.